Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So. I looked at it again. What I said I wouldn't let bother me. It bothered me a lot. It took everything I had to convince myself that it wasn't the truth, that she was just an idiot and didn't know what the hell she was talking about. But... I don't know. She might. And if she does, and is... well... "friends" with him again. Well, then I might have to stab her about 50 times in the chest. Which is violent but that's how I feel. That's how she makes me feel. I want to scream, I want to punch things, I want to call her names and talk shit about her-- that would make me feel better, right? No. Not anymore. That doesn't do any good. Crying over it doesn't do any good. I can text him and say all kinds of things-- I can even go as far as to tell him how I feel about him. I actually convinced myself that if I just TOLD him, everything would be better. Everything would be fine. No, it wasn't. Fail. Honestly? I think he cared exactly as much as a 3 about that text. On a scale from 1 to 10. 10 being you are one of the most important person in my life and I remember everything you said and everything you've ever done around me. Which is approximately what he is to me. FUCK. Why does this have to happen to me? Why? It happens to me because I would be way too lucky to have at least ONE thing go right for me in my life. I have the brains, now I don't get the beauty or the love. I would give up all of my smarts if it meant that he would like me. But then what would I be? I would be her. I will be DAMNED if I turn into her. She is everything I hate in life, everything I aspire to conquer, everything I will never be.

"this is why my life sucks. this is why my unfailing inability to back down from something that i want will kill me. this is why i will lay awake at night. this is how i will single-handedly destroy what should be the best summer of my life. this is what i've chosen. it sucks for me."