Here It Is Again...

... yet it stings like the first time.

So... How many of you bet that this would be coming in the next week? How much did you bet? $10? $20? Well, you'd better pay up.

What happened? you ask.
My life is fucked. I answer.
Why so?
Because I have grown to hate two little words more than anything in existance.
What two little words?
"Just friends"
Oh...
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Why did it have to be him?
Because life's a bitch and then you die.

So those of you that stayed up until pretty much like 2 with me. I love you. Thank you so much. I... I freaked. He was my life. What do I do??? You guys... I feel like my life just ended. Brittney would be telling me to be sensible, and Groms and Reks would say all the right things to try and make me feel better. But that's not enough anymore. If I was an artist I would paint my feelings, if I were a poet I'd write a poem, and if I were a lyricist I would write a song. But I'm none of those. I'm Maddy. I'm probably going to be a dentist. I will lose all creative ambition. I'll turn into one of those mindless droids that get up, drink their black coffee, go to work, come home, eat alone, and then sleep. I DON'T WANT THAT! I just want to be happy and know that there's someone who likes me even though I fuck up a lot. I wanted it to be him...

• "I've been waiting for anything- desperately hoping that it was everything. Now it's nothing. I'm back to the start."
• So this is what it feels like to know that the one thing you wanted to experience in your life will never be a possibility. It fucking sucks, dude.
• Some idiot named Thomas Carlyle said that silence was more eloquent than words. Some genius named Maddy said shut the fuck up Thomas Carlyle, talking is what gets the job done.
• Oh, by the way. FUCK YOU 11:11. Way to get my hopes up, just to trample them like a herd of llamas. Yeah, llamas.

Breakeven by The Script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even even no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other ones leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains

Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other ones leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

The Proposal...

...is a movie in which Zoey and I get married. It's scary how accurate those characters are. And great... I'm a man. Her bitch, to be exact. But that's all right because I love her :]] I had fun with you guyssss though! I'm sure none of you read this. But I like to pretend. We should do this more often

<3 Andrew [Maddy]

Having No Money Sucksss...

• ...and so does not having a season pass to Wild Water West. Grr. Of course my parents would decide to leave at 3:30. I bet they don't get home until 4:30. I will be really fucking pissed if this happens. But it will.
• I think my life is bipolar... It just is so happy and then... BOOM. Crash. Currently it's happy right now. Well, I'M happy right now. Not my life. And in no way did I mean that I was bipolar, because I am certainly not.
• Well... I'm excited for the 4th of July and the week building up to it because I will be spending it with people I loveeeeeeee. AKA Alex. Except totally not, haha.
• So yeah. I've discovered Owl City. Oh how I love them... Well him I guess. But it's the kind of music that I was looking for this summer, it's happy and smooth and a little techno-y? So yeah. Hah, again. But... I don't know what else to talk about?
• Oh, I have to babysit my cousins and they love Disney Channel so I have a budding love for Sterling Knight. You should all look up his face because it is adorable. It makes up for the time that I have to see Skank Lovato's face. Which is always nice.

So that's all... Have a happy weekend :] I'm going to be at the lake tanning it uppp.

CLT: The Technicolor Phase - Owl City

:I am the red in the rose, the flowers on the blankets on your bedroom floor. / And I am the gray in the ghost that hides with your clothes behind your closet door. / I am the green in the grass that bends back from underneath your feet. / And I am the blue in your back alley view where the horizon and the rooftops meet. / If you cut me I suppose I would bleed the colors of the evening stars. / You can go anywhere you wish cause I'll be there, wherever you are, [wherever you are, wherever you are.] / [I will always be your keys when we are lost in the technicolor phase.] / The black in the book the letters on the pages that you memorize. / And I am the orange in the overcast of color that you visualize. / I am the white in the walls that soak up all the sound when you cannot sleep. / And I am the peach in the starfish on the beach that wish the harbor wasn't quite so deep. / If you cut me I suppose I would bleed the colors of the evening stars. / [my darling] / You can go anywhere you wish cause I'll be there, wherever you are. / [my darling. wherever you are, wherever you are, wherever you are]: <3>

Important Things...

...

"To err is human; to forgive, divine." --Alexander Pope

"All I ever wanted was to see you smiling" --Bass(fish)hunter

"I got these memories, they're all of you and me" --Family Force 5

"'Show me how you do it and I promise you I promise that I'll run away with you I'll run away with you'" --The Cure

"Bat your eyes, ball a fist. Passion over consequence, When did the latter take the lead?" --Taking Back Sunday

"You have stolen my heart" --Dashboard Confessional

"We all look like we feel" --Dashboard Confessional

More to come.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BODYBAG :]

So guess who's so much happier than she was in the last post? Me! Don't worry, I am not suicidal, nor close to being it... :]]]] I'm glad you worried about me though, but I would never do that. So... I'm just all-around happier. This whole "situation" seems to be better. So that's good.

That's all for now, because I'm off to Zoey's.



LISTEN TO HIT THE LIGHTS. DO IT. OR I WILL KILL YOU.

toodles :]

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So. I looked at it again. What I said I wouldn't let bother me. It bothered me a lot. It took everything I had to convince myself that it wasn't the truth, that she was just an idiot and didn't know what the hell she was talking about. But... I don't know. She might. And if she does, and is... well... "friends" with him again. Well, then I might have to stab her about 50 times in the chest. Which is violent but that's how I feel. That's how she makes me feel. I want to scream, I want to punch things, I want to call her names and talk shit about her-- that would make me feel better, right? No. Not anymore. That doesn't do any good. Crying over it doesn't do any good. I can text him and say all kinds of things-- I can even go as far as to tell him how I feel about him. I actually convinced myself that if I just TOLD him, everything would be better. Everything would be fine. No, it wasn't. Fail. Honestly? I think he cared exactly as much as a 3 about that text. On a scale from 1 to 10. 10 being you are one of the most important person in my life and I remember everything you said and everything you've ever done around me. Which is approximately what he is to me. FUCK. Why does this have to happen to me? Why? It happens to me because I would be way too lucky to have at least ONE thing go right for me in my life. I have the brains, now I don't get the beauty or the love. I would give up all of my smarts if it meant that he would like me. But then what would I be? I would be her. I will be DAMNED if I turn into her. She is everything I hate in life, everything I aspire to conquer, everything I will never be.

"this is why my life sucks. this is why my unfailing inability to back down from something that i want will kill me. this is why i will lay awake at night. this is how i will single-handedly destroy what should be the best summer of my life. this is what i've chosen. it sucks for me."

Life Is...

Well, certainly not good. I don't have a vehicle for 3 weeks and I am being punished heavily. No more trips to Brandon for quite awhile. FUCK. Of course this happens in the summer when I can actually do stuff. Mmhmm. Because that is how my life works. God is smiting me for not going to Youth Group. Oh, and I get to work in my mom's office too. Yippy skippy! Except not, please shoot me in the head. No one actually reads this, half the time I don't even update this... It's just... I don't know. Kinda nice to have somewhere to write down all your private thoughts that you actually do want people to know about. Without actually telling it to their faces, you know? That's how you weed out the true friends; you just reference something from your blog and if all you get in return is a blank stare you know just how much they love you. I don't know. I've learned a lot about true friends this year though... To the grave. Someone really needs to come save me from myself and the impending boredom that is sure to come as I wallow in self-pity and court shows. And on top of everything... him. I don't even know. I will kill someone if the impacts anything. I don't even know what to call what it is that we have. Okay screw that, it's a friendship, I just can't stand to call it that when I want it to be so much more. Will I do anything about it? Probably not, but who knows? I may harden nerves sitting at home in my bedroom for 3 weeks without contact with anyone who's not family. Tune in next time!