I Hate This.

I hate talking to you.
I hate it.
I hate having all of these expectations.
I hate having them crushed.
This is so goddamn frustrating.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I just don't even understand.
Apparently this is what happens.
God, I can't wait for summer.
I am determined.
And when I'm determined... watch out.
It better be fucking awesome.
This summer, that is.
Because I've gone through hell.
And I want a break from it all.
To relax.
To hang out.
To have fun.
To cultivate relationships.
Why do I say things like that?
I mean to find myself a boyfriend.
Obviously.
This is why I am alone.

I should be doing AP Chem now. FML for real. This week is so stressful. Shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery? KTHANKSBYE.

January 7th, 2009

Best day of my life.

The Classic "It's Not You, It's Me"

I promise that what I'm struggling with right now, what you want to make go away, is not your fault. And I've never meant anything more in my life. Please believe me. It's my fault... For not being about to accept things, for hating what I did, for wanting this so much. Quoting Glee: "I want everything too much". I mean... I guess I wish that things hadn't turned out like this, but if this is what you truly want... Well... I guess I'll get over it. It's not like you haven't told me all of this before. I just keep hoping that it's not true. The dreamer in me wants there to be something so badly. I guess I'm just like her... Not letting it go... This is everything I never wanted to happen. I just wanted to be around you. To be friends... Best friends... more? I'm sorry you had to go through this, I'm sorry you had to experience this side of my personality... You've never been anything less than amazing, and I will always love you. I promise. I've never broken a promise I made to you, and I never will. I wish I could talk to you about this. I really, really do. We almost did tonight, but I'm not brave enough. I don't want you to freak out at me or be weirded out. Or even just distance yourself from me. I want you to change your mind. But you won't. ...and deep down in my heart, I know that, but it's wishful thinking.

You're an amazing guy, and I'm so glad that I met you. I am honored, that out of everyone, we seem to be the closest. That's probably because of what went on, early in our friendship, but just know that you made me who I am today. I cried myself to sleep so many times because of you, I sat up half the night just thinking about us, and I had so many emotional breakdowns, but it's shaped me as a person, and the only thing I regret is not telling you sooner; not having the courage. Nothing you ever do or say will change the way I feel about you. I will always love you, I promise.  <3

[when I see your smile, tears run down my face... I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to Heaven... seasons are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling all for us. days grow longer and nights grow shorter. I can show you, I'll be the one]

...This Whole "Healing" Process... Yeah It Sucks.

"To you: I'm sorry for even saying anything. I wish I was strong enough to tell you... maybe the outcome would be fine. But I'm just not..."

"you say you want to make it go away? I do too. but you've made your choice clear... it's me that's the problem. "

"just please stop caring... stop asking... I want to tell you... but I can't... it's for your own good... I'm asking you to trust me... "

pathetic Twitters that I should just post here instead of posting there. no one cares anyways, and it's just a waste of space on Twitter. on here... I could give a damn what people think.

Defying Gravity. The Kurt Version.

[something has changed within me

something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

of someone else's game

too late for second guessing

too late to go back to sleep

it's time to trust my instincts

close my eyes and leap

it's time to try

defying gravity

I think I'll try

defying gravity

kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

and you won't bring me down...

I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so

some things I cannot change

but 'til I try I'll never know

too long I've been afraid of

losing love I guess I've lost

well if that's love

it comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy

defying gravity

kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try

defying gravity

and you won't bring me down...

I'd sooner buy

defying gravity

kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try

defying gravity

and you won't bring me down,

bring me down

ahhhhhh]

This is pretty much the most beautiful song I've ever heard in my life. Kurt Hummel, AKA Chris Colfer, from Glee sings this on the show. Well, he sings a duet with the obviously less attractive Rachel, but I've got his solo version. It's amazing. I was all ready to write a horrible angsty post, because that's how I am today, but then I decided to post this instead. Anyone who reads this needs to go watch a youtube video of him singing this song, and then they too will understand why I love him. Never mind the fact that he's clearly gay in real life. He's super cute and is my favorite character from that show.

Me encanta Kurt Hummel. x a billion.

Another Heart Calls by The All-American Rejects

[do you remember when we didn't care

we were just two kids that took the moment when it was there

do you remember you at all

another heart calls

yeah I remember when we stole the night

we'd lie awake but dreaming till the sun would wash the sky

just as soon as I see you

I did lie but didn't I tell you

as deep as I need you,

you wanna leave it all

what can I do?

say it's true

oh everything that matters breaks in two

say it's true

I'll never ask for anyone but you

talk to me

I'm throwing myself in front of you

this could be the last mistake

that I would ever wanna do

yeah all I ever do is give it's time you see my point of view

just as soon as I see you

I did lie but didn't I tell you

ss deep as I need you,

you wanna leave it all

what can I do?

say it's true

oh everything that matters breaks in two

say it's true

I'll never ask for anyone but you

but I know all that you want is to figure it out

and God knows I do too

what can I do?

say it's true

I'll never ask for anyone but you

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

na, na, na, na, na, na

I'm sorry

so what?

but you don't think I've said enough

I'm sorry

I don't care

you were never there

as soon as I see you

I did lie but didn't I tell you?

as deep as I need you

you wanna leave it all

what can I do?

say it's true

oh everything that matters breaks in two

say it's true

I'll never ask for anyone but you

but I know all that you want is to figure it out

and God knows I do too

what can I do?

say it's true

I'll never ask for anyone but you

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I'll never ask for anyone but you

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh]

So I think I'm going to have lyrics posted every week or so, or when I discover a song that I REALLY like. Such as this one by AAR. I hadn't really considered myself an AAR fan, but after discovering this, it was enough to spark an interest. After branching out into other songs, I became hooked. These CDs will definitely be routinely blasting out of my car speakers. A+ for you AAR, A+ for you.

Fuckin' Winter.

[when I gaze into those pearly blues

a bright abyss that I once knew

haunts me from my past

it's like a sickness that you can't delude

there's nothing more to hold onto 

but the memory's fading fast

we'll still dance tonight

God, it feels so right

to sing this song as I

force my mind to sleep

we'll still dance tonight

if the moment's right 

to sing this song as I

force my mind to sleep

in case you didn't notice

it's like this every night 

we're both pretending to be something

but we're nothing in the end

tomorrow is a new day

but every day's the same

we're l-l-l-learning nothing

From our ways

if the bloodshed's all we hold onto

what's the point pretending to

have hope for what's been lost

hope for what's been lost

all though I know it's never real

I still have the urge to feel

closer than we are

we'll still dance tonight

God, it feels so right

to sing this song as I

force my mind to sleep

we still dance tonight

if the moment's right 

to sing this song as I

force my mind to sleep

in case you didn't notice

it's like this every night 

we're both pretending to be something

but we're nothing in the end

tomorrow is a new day

but everyday's the same

we're l-l-l-l-learning nothing

from our ways

from our ways

we still dance tonight

God, it feels so right

to sing this song as I

force my mind to sleep

we still dance tonight

if the moment's right

to sing this song as I

force my mind to sleep

in case you didn't notice

it's like this every night

we're all pretending to be something

but we're nothing in the end

tomorrow is a new day

but everyday's the same

we're l-l-l-l-learning nothing

from our ways

from our ways

it's okay]

Someone please tell me how to get past this. How to move on. I can't. I don't think it's possible. It's crushing me. I just want to be free from it. Someone please tell me how...

 

Please. Fix me. Rewire my brain. Throttle me. Repair my heart. Heal me. Rewind my thoughts. Fix me. Please.