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I Never Wanted To Say This

ONLY ONE by Yellowcard

broken this fragile thing now

and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces

and I've thrown my words all around

but I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)

and I give up (I give up)

I just want to tell you so you know

here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

you are my only one

I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you

you are my only, my only one

made my mistakes, let you down

and I can't, I can't hold on for too long

ran my whole life in the ground

and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

and something's breaking up (breaking up)

I feel like giving up (like giving up)

I won't walk out until you know

here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

you are my only one

I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you

you are my only my only one

here I go so dishonestly

leave a note for you my only one

and I know you can see right through me

so let me go and you will find someone

here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

you are my only one

I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you

you are my only, my only one

my only one

my only one

my only one

you are my only, my only one

Feel free to digest this. Chew on it. Run your tongue over it a couple of times. Mostly, just know that this songs means more to me than almost any other song in the world. <3

I, Maddy, hereby declare that on the 5th of March, 2010 at 8:49, I gave up on him.

C'mon And Catch Me If You Can

New Friend Regrets

Danger Is My Middle Name

when sinful invitation

becomes a painful second guess

I'll take back what we started

and I'll come back for the rest

my words have been demoted

to a shameful waste of breath

I'll hold my tongue much tighter

than I'm holding this regret

take my phony heart

and make it something real

break my open arms

so pain is all I feel

I feel like sitting this one out

when summer is over

I'm letting this one go

straight to my head

cuz you're better off when you're better off dead

drown me in shallow water

until breathing starts to slow

it's well said that you're better off

when you're better off dead

my heart has turned against me

and I'm hanging by a thread

cross your fingers when you kiss me

and then say we're more than friends

I've set my sight on summer

and making one last bet

I'll be taking all your punches

like I haven't already yet...

take my phony heart

and make it something real

break my open arms

so pain is all I feel

I feel like sitting this one out

when summer is over

I'm letting this one go

straight to my head

cuz you're better off when you're better off dead

drown me in shallow water

until breathing starts to slow

It's well said that you're better off

when you're better off dead

when summer is over

I'm letting this one go

straight to my head

cuz you're better off when you're better off dead

drown me in shallow water

until breathing starts to slow

It's well said that you're better off

when you're better off dead

when summer is over

I'm letting this one go

straight to my head

cuz you're better off when you're better off dead

drown me in shallow water

until breathing starts to slow

It's well said that you're better off

when you're better off dead

 

So I'm kinda feeling like this has been describing my life for quite some time... And I love Danger Is My Middle Name, but this song is obviously less than happy. Oh shit I haven't done my spanish homework. Or APUSH. Nor did I study for the precalc test. Oh well. FML for sure. I hung out with Zoey all night instead of doing it. Shoot. But I did find a dress for All-State! Except I look like an ogre in it and I wanted the pretty pheasant one, but NOOOOOOO it cost to much. Humph.

Gotta get back to my research paper, this is all for now.

 

Sucks to be me,

Saddy Maddy

 

[if I was a guy I think I'd be gay]

We Can't Go Back

Some days there are times when I wish that what we had in the beginning, a summer friendship, was all I'd ever known with you. Some days there are times when I hate you for what you can do to me. Some days there are times when I just want to leave all of it behind; to move on with my life. But simultaneously to all those times, there are the moments that live inside me that I cherish every second of my life. There are moments that I will never forget: hanging out with "the group", playing disc golf, playing soccer, swimming, fishing, chilling on the dock, failing at the tramp, watching Jurassic Park at Hailee's, ping pong in my garage, beer pong in your garage, pool in Hailee's basement.

God, I just want to leave everything behind, though. I try to imagine what life would be like if I'd never really gotten to know you. I mean... I feel like I know stuff about you that no one else does. And with you, that's quite an accomplishment. Life without you is honestly impossible to imagine. Which is a curse...

You looked me in the eye and said, with that signature smirk, "Tonight anything goes." And then Cody kissed you and all hell broke loose. Hahahahaha. But that phrase was so representative of my summer. I just want to thank you. I told you you were my favorite person ever. And you are and always will be. You're amazing, and while I'm pretty sure you know that, I still feel the need to tell you.

I'm Just A Kiss Away

Long, introspective posts are so overrated. Let's be happy and cheery and flit from one topic to another.
For instance:
Lake this weekend! Hells yeah!
Glee will be watched! Even more hells yeah!
We're gonna go ice fishing and I'm really excited.
I love Mayday Parade's new[ish] album a lot.
Bruised And Scarred is currently my life!
I don't think you're supposed to capitalize the "and"s in a title, amongst other letters.
But I do.
Because I'm BA like that! :] Hahaha except not at all. Mostly just because I'm kind of OCD.
But not in a correct way, I guess.
So, I've self-diagnosed myself with OCD and Social Anxiety.
I wonder if I have either of those?
Probably not. But it's nice to have some [unreal] explanations to explain my oddities.
BLACK HOLE OF WRONGNESS!
I did our APUSH take home test-61 questions is a lot, Lubeck. I do not appreciate.
I also did the Chem lab. AND IT FIT ON ONE PAGE! Yeahhhhhhh.
The cover I just purchased for my Droid isn't staying on correctly.
OH YEAH I GOT A NEW PHONE!

This is all because I need to go sleep and pack my makeup for our Bandmaster's concert! Megan and I are bus buddies! I'm pumped.

I love love, I love being in love,
Maddy!

[Some spiffy The Format lyrics right there!]

Your Lashing Out At Me Is Fantastically Compelling And Inappropriate

I love skanky bitches.
I love how no one cares.
I love how he denied you.
I love how you try to talk tough.
I love how you fail.
I love my life.
I love band.
I love summer.
I LOVE GLEE!
I love dreaming about the lake.
I love dreaming about skiing.
I love dreaming about you.
I love my life.
I love you.

Grrrrrrr At Life

This is so fucking frustrating.
Shoot me in the face.

Oh... The Irony Is Killing

"...you know Nugget and Sour's like stalkers? Okay, yea i wish i could be dumb enough to write an entire paragraph to your facebook ...wall like every five god damn seconds. Yo. . .So i completly also figured their retarted, and so is well, chewyy"


---If you're going to be a fucking dumb bitch and write shit like this, please make sure you understand what the words mean that you're using.
I.E.
STALKERS: Dumb bitches that make fake Facebook profiles and then add the 'stalkee' as a friend. These dipshits also add friends of the 'stalkee' in hopes that they'll dig up some interesting information. They then proceed to comment on the 'stalkee''s profile pictures: "yummy", walls, and on statuses. Not only do they comment on things, but also they get really super angry when you expose them to the 'stalkee'. I've had such unpleasant experiences with stalkers, though always second-hand, thank God. After being exposed, they then get deleted off the 'stalkee''s friend list. As they should be. Unfortunately, via Facebook, you cannot have anyone committed to a mental hospital with the click of a mouse, much like deleting a psycho off your friend list. There's always hope for the future though!
PARAGRAPHS: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU JUST WROTE YOU FUCKTARD? At least mine are full of love and inside jokes, instead of jealousy and rage. And bitterness. And I'm sorry that we're so much funnier than you, that we have normally proportioned faces, and that we're not giant ogres. Oops... I did I just say that? I obviously didn't mean any of that, because, as you said, I'm a "sweetheart". Fuck you, Grease Monkey. And guess what? You are dumb enough.
...WALL: Just for future reference, the actual word is "wall", and those things in front of it? Yeah, they're ellipses, and they're not attached to the word wall. Please go to fucking English class once in awhile instead of ditching to hang out in your school's bathroom's [cause that's just soooo cool].
YO: You're not black. In fact, you're really, really white. Please stop using ghetto slang like this, because really it's just an embarrassment to EVERYONE who reads it.


And, just as a closing note, the fact that we're BEST FRIENDS with them does not make us fucking stalkers. The fact that you have codenames for them, and fucking dumbassed ones at that, makes YOU a stalker. I wish you could see yourself as everyone else sees you, because you would, well, SHOULD, be appalled. Please go back to wherever you came from and leave my friends and I out of your shit.


Love


M


(:

It Had To Be You

You're ours.
Not hers.
Ours.
I claim you.
We dibs'd you.
All the way back when we first met.
If you're not going to talk to Hector...
Then you're talking to me instead.
Not her.
I miss you!
But I'm glad you texted me today!
Like, all day.
Because I love it when you're creepy.
You're so much more fun when you're creepy.
And, with your assistance, suggestive smiley will once again be 5th.
YAY!
It had to be you.
I <3 you.
Long hair dominates EVERYTHING.
I win.
That's all.
Today's been a pretty good day.


Listen to Motion City Soundtrack. They'll make you happy. :]]]

I Hate This.

I hate talking to you.
I hate it.
I hate having all of these expectations.
I hate having them crushed.
This is so goddamn frustrating.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I just don't even understand.
Apparently this is what happens.
God, I can't wait for summer.
I am determined.
And when I'm determined... watch out.
It better be fucking awesome.
This summer, that is.
Because I've gone through hell.
And I want a break from it all.
To relax.
To hang out.
To have fun.
To cultivate relationships.
Why do I say things like that?
I mean to find myself a boyfriend.
Obviously.
This is why I am alone.

I should be doing AP Chem now. FML for real. This week is so stressful. Shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery? KTHANKSBYE.

January 7th, 2009

Best day of my life.

The Classic "It's Not You, It's Me"

I promise that what I'm struggling with right now, what you want to make go away, is not your fault. And I've never meant anything more in my life. Please believe me. It's my fault... For not being about to accept things, for hating what I did, for wanting this so much. Quoting Glee: "I want everything too much". I mean... I guess I wish that things hadn't turned out like this, but if this is what you truly want... Well... I guess I'll get over it. It's not like you haven't told me all of this before. I just keep hoping that it's not true. The dreamer in me wants there to be something so badly. I guess I'm just like her... Not letting it go... This is everything I never wanted to happen. I just wanted to be around you. To be friends... Best friends... more? I'm sorry you had to go through this, I'm sorry you had to experience this side of my personality... You've never been anything less than amazing, and I will always love you. I promise. I've never broken a promise I made to you, and I never will. I wish I could talk to you about this. I really, really do. We almost did tonight, but I'm not brave enough. I don't want you to freak out at me or be weirded out. Or even just distance yourself from me. I want you to change your mind. But you won't. ...and deep down in my heart, I know that, but it's wishful thinking.

You're an amazing guy, and I'm so glad that I met you. I am honored, that out of everyone, we seem to be the closest. That's probably because of what went on, early in our friendship, but just know that you made me who I am today. I cried myself to sleep so many times because of you, I sat up half the night just thinking about us, and I had so many emotional breakdowns, but it's shaped me as a person, and the only thing I regret is not telling you sooner; not having the courage. Nothing you ever do or say will change the way I feel about you. I will always love you, I promise.  <3

[when I see your smile, tears run down my face... I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to Heaven... seasons are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling all for us. days grow longer and nights grow shorter. I can show you, I'll be the one]

...This Whole "Healing" Process... Yeah It Sucks.

"To you: I'm sorry for even saying anything. I wish I was strong enough to tell you... maybe the outcome would be fine. But I'm just not..."

"you say you want to make it go away? I do too. but you've made your choice clear... it's me that's the problem. "

"just please stop caring... stop asking... I want to tell you... but I can't... it's for your own good... I'm asking you to trust me... "

pathetic Twitters that I should just post here instead of posting there. no one cares anyways, and it's just a waste of space on Twitter. on here... I could give a damn what people think.

Defying Gravity. The Kurt Version.

[something has changed within me

something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

of someone else's game

too late for second guessing

too late to go back to sleep

it's time to trust my instincts

close my eyes and leap

it's time to try

defying gravity

I think I'll try

defying gravity

kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

and you won't bring me down...

I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so

some things I cannot change

but 'til I try I'll never know

too long I've been afraid of

losing love I guess I've lost

well if that's love

it comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy

defying gravity

kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try

defying gravity

and you won't bring me down...

I'd sooner buy

defying gravity

kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try

defying gravity

and you won't bring me down,

bring me down

ahhhhhh]

This is pretty much the most beautiful song I've ever heard in my life. Kurt Hummel, AKA Chris Colfer, from Glee sings this on the show. Well, he sings a duet with the obviously less attractive Rachel, but I've got his solo version. It's amazing. I was all ready to write a horrible angsty post, because that's how I am today, but then I decided to post this instead. Anyone who reads this needs to go watch a youtube video of him singing this song, and then they too will understand why I love him. Never mind the fact that he's clearly gay in real life. He's super cute and is my favorite character from that show.

Me encanta Kurt Hummel. x a billion.